


[Synonym for Door]

by brb_screaming



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Cuddles, Evan has issues, Kleinsen, M/M, Panic Attack, also, angst then fluff, anyway i lov my boys, jared actually cares, jared is a useless gay did i mention, kinda??? basically yeah, n it kinda went over well on tungle, so connor is ded m8s, so here we go its on ao3 now, so i wrote this for marki, theyre kinda gay for each other shhh, this is canon universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 02:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11659836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brb_screaming/pseuds/brb_screaming
Summary: Evan won't open his door. Jared won't leave until he does.





	[Synonym for Door]

“Evan, open up!” Jared knocked insistently at the locked door, “Evan, open the fuck up! I know you’re in there.” 

It had been several days since he had seen Evan, which, in the past, may have been considered normal, but now, it was odd and rather out of place. Evan had been doing remarkably well, but alongside that, Jared had become extremely excluded, almost isolated from him. He was what, the treasurer of The Connor Project? Or the secretary? Hell, he couldn’t remember.

He did, however, remember that Evan, the only one who he had ever truly befriended, was somewhere behind this door that couldn’t be opened.  
“Evan?” he tried again, jiggling the doorknob, “Evan, unlock your fucking door!” He didn’t want to break the lock- he doubted he possessed the strength- but he was considering it as an option. He listened closely, hearing something shift on the other side.

“No.” came a dejected reply. Jared sighed loudly, but was relieved. Evan was conscious, and in a good enough state to speak, even if he had only spoken to defy him. God, if only he was strong enough to break through. He tried to recall something Alana had tried to teach him when she had done karate last year- he hadn’t listened, he could barely keep up. Maybe, if only he had listened and learned, maybe he could bust in heroically and rescue Evan from whatever pit he’d fallen into. Jared shook his head. He could barely lift his bookbag during finals, he doubted he could break a door.

“Open the hell up or I’m calling your mother.” Jared put an edge in his tone. It was a stretch: he didn’t know if Heidi would pick up, he didn’t know if she would do anything. Hell, he didn’t even know if he had her number, but it was worth trying anyway. Evan was silent for a minute, and Jared thought he had won, but another response came through the door.

“Please don’t come-” Evan paused, suppressing something- a hiccup maybe? “In.” His speech was unnaturally slurred, and Jared’s expression shifted to one of concern. Was Evan drunk? Jared’s mind began to race, concerned. He couldn't leave, but he also couldn’t get through the damn door.

“Evan, are you drunk?” Jared asked. A beat passed, and Jared took that as an answer. “Evan, I’m calling Heidi,” he took out his phone and scrolled through the contacts, “Evan, I have her number pulled up, and I’m going to press call if you don’t open the fuck up.” That was a lie: it turns out Jared did not have Heidi’s number and instead was bullshitting the entire thing. He hoped it worked, and he wouldn’t have to continue bluffing.

Jared was silent, straining his ears for a response. He heard feet shuffle through the wood of the door, getting closer and closer before pausing, right on the other side of the door. Jared heard a lock click, and sighed in relief. He wanted to force the door open before Evan could change his mind, but waited for the other to slowly twist the knob, not opening it yet.

“Jared d-don’t c-c-come in.” Evan’s words fell out in one short breath, not bothering to make space between each word. Jared ignored the request and pushed sharply against the wood with his shoulder, shoving his way into Evan’s room.

He wasn’t prepared for the sight of Evan. His shirt was rumpled and damp around the neckline from what Jared assumed was his wiped off tears, his eyes were puffy and red, and most of all, he reeked of alcohol. Jared locked eyes with Evan, letting out a soft gasp. A tense silence passed before Evan heaved a huge breath and dissolved into tears again. Jared stood, frozen, and watched the tears roll down Evan’s face, dripping down his chin and falling onto the carpet.  


Jared didn’t know what to do, he wanted to step forward, take Evan in both his arms and just hold him, but he didn’t know if that was the best approach, Evan always flipped whenever he was touched unexpectedly, and Jared did not want a freak out on top of this disaster. Another impulse was to immediately respond with sarcasm, but that wouldn’t be a good idea either, for Evan doesn’t take criticism well normally, and there was no telling how he’d respond.

“I’m sorry.” Evan mumbled out between tears, sitting down on his bed and putting his head in his hands. He had transitioned into full on sobbing now, his entire body shaking. 

“Why?” Jared asked. He hoped he wasn’t being too forward, that his tone wasn’t too biting. Evan still jumped slightly, slowing raising his head to let his watery eyes dart around the room uncertainly. Jared cringed inwardly, hating that his voice able managed to have the same effect out of the taller boy, regardless of the conversation. 

“I d-don’t wanna t-t-t-talk about it.” he muttered, looking away. Jared hated seeing him like this, and yet, couldn’t find a way to connect, to calm him down, bring him down, and help him. He looked down, realizing that his feet were still planted firmly to Evan’s carpet.

Now would be a good time to move your ass, he thought, and he awkwardly shuffled to the bed, sitting to the right of Evan. Evan shrunk beside him , trying to escape. From what? Jared asked himself. From him? This was a mistake, he should have just left Evan and let him work whatever this crisis is out himself, he should’ve stayed home. He could’ve finished his Biology homework by now, but he had to come here just to check on Evan. Why? Why did he care, why was he here?

A movement from Evan brought him back into the present, and he watched as he carefully lifted his head out of his hands and wiped his fingers on his shirt. His cheeks were tear stained, and Jared’s heart couldn’t help but break slightly as he was truly close enough to see how much of a mess Evan had become. Jared carefully put his hand in the small of Evans back, hoping that it seemed comforting. The movement had seemed perfect in his mind, but now it seemed awkward, if well-intentioned. 

Evan relaxed into it though, and his sobs softened as Jared began rubbing small circles into his back. Jared wasn’t quite sure what to think. Evan seemed so open, so vulnerable, and Jared’s emotions conflicted inside his brain. He still didn’t know what had set Evan off, and he wished he did: he wanted to give it a strong uppercut to the jaw. Evan sighed loudly, tears still rolling intermittently down his cheeks.

“Hold me.” He mumbled. Jared froze mid-circle.

“What?” he asked. He couldn’t have heard that correctly.

“N-nothing.” Evan replied. Jared’s brow contorted. He had definitely heard something.

“Evan, I can hold you if you’ll stop fucking crying.” Jared tried. Evan looked at him and sniffed, slowly nodding.

“Please.” he breathed, and Jared sat for a moment, wondering how the hell he was going to do this. He pulled his hand away from Evan’s back and leaned into the corner where the bed met the wall. He was partially supported by a pillow, and he left enough space for Evan to lean beside him. Evan watched until he was situated and them moved, curling up into Jared's form. Jared put an arm around Evan, holding him to his chest. Evan was unbelievably warm, and also reeked of alcohol. Jared wondered how much he had drunk, and also, where he had gotten it, for Heidi wasn’t ever really one to keep alcohol around.

The two sat together like this for some time, and Jared couldn’t help but study the taller boy’s features, for through his tears he could still see the slope of his nose, and the way his bottom lip stuck out farther than his top. Jared thought it was cute, the permanent pout that always graced his features. However, now was not the time to study Evan’s face, instead, he focused on trying to comfort the by that was beside him. He didn’t quite know how to- how do you comfort someone without words? Just give them a comfort vibe?- anything he said always had an unexpected edge, sarcasm from places you’d never expect, and he didn’t want to upset Evan more.

Evan had closed his eyes for the majority of this, his brow still creased. Jared wanted to rub his forehand with his thumb- his mother had always done that to him when he couldn’t sleep- but Evan seemed content where he was, so he instead focused on Evan’s warm body in his arms, and the way his chest rose and fell smoothly as he breathed in and out.

“Evan, do you wanna tell me why you haven’t left your room in days?” he tried for a neutral tone. Evan opened his eyes and blinked, formulating a response.  
“It’s stressful- I mean, the whole thing is my fault- but…” he trailed off, studying a spot on the ceiling intensely. Was he talking about The Connor Project? “I guess- I thought I was doing b-better, I thought it was gonna b-be okay.”

“This isn’t what okay is supposed to look like.” Jared could plainly see that. “Aren’t your meds supposed to help with shit like this?” Evan took a breath, pausing.  


“I stopped taking them,” Evan said, not leaving space between his words.

“Evan, what the hell? You’ve been on those same meds since what, eighth grade year? You can’t just not take them, it’ll like, fuck with your brain chemistry and shit!” Jared didn’t know much about medication, but he did know one thing: don’t fuck with your brain.

“I thought I was finally okay! That was finally… I don’t know, normal?” Evan sounded desperate, like he was so close to something that he couldn’t quite grasp. Jared let one of his hands meander to the top of Evan’s head, and he let himself run his fingers through the other’s dirty blonde hair. 

“You’re not normal, and that’s okay. Fuck, I’m not normal and that’s just fine with me.” Jared was concerned, but he didn’t want that to be evident in his voice. Evan was starting to calm down, and Jared didn’t want to mess anything up.

“I’m sorry.” Evan breathed, leaning his head into the crook of Jared’s neck. Jared moved his arm upwards, holding Evan tighter. Jared hated that Evan had to beat himself up like this. He had managed to figure out that Evan had just gotten overstimulated and spiraled into something akin to a panic attack, and since he didn’t think taking his meds was a good idea, he had turned to alcohol.

Jared wasn’t going to lie- he had drank with Evan before, but both had been too preoccupied with other things to let something like this happen.  
“It’s okay.” Jared murmured soothingly. He knew it wasn’t, but what else was there to say? Evan’s breathing had stabilized, and his eyes had remained shut for quite some time now, and Jared figured it wouldn’t be long before they were both asleep, and he hoped Heidi wouldn’t mind if she found her son asleep in the arms of his best friend.

“I love you.” Evan mumbled, curling into him and letting out a final exhausted breath and, as far as Jared could tell, falling fast asleep. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Jared, whose eyes, after hearing those three words, had shot open, his mind racing. Was Evan serious? He couldn’t be, he was drunk, and tired, and emotionally exhausted, and couldn’t mean what he just said.

Jared had been trying to put it past himself for years, but he couldn’t deny- he had a thing for Evan Hansen. At first, it had been casual, noticing how beautiful Evan’s eyes were, or appreciating how his bottom lip stuck out farther than his top. But, it had escalated to full on pining through freshman and sophomore year. He had tried to talk himself out of it all of last year, but that had worked just about as well as he expected, and here he was, almost panicking, halfway through senior year.

However, there wasn’t much he could do right now, and he supposed he would just have to face Evan’s words tomorrow. But, for right now, he let himself enjoy Evan in his arms, Evan’s breath against his neck, as he, too, drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh this is on my tumblr and i highkey love it so now its here. also i l i v e off of kudos and comments pls give me attention anyway lov u all *smorch*


End file.
